Imposter syndrome: its not you its them - or maybe a bit of both
You know that classic line that people use when people try to end a relationship gently…
…‘It’s not you, it’s me’?
Well, that’s what we’re looking at today on the blog. So many women experience imposter syndrome, especially at work, it’s almost as if it’s part of our conditioning. And what if it actually is? At least in part. What if it’s not you, it’s them (or maybe a bit of both!)?
Imposter syndrome is a feminist issue!
A 2023 survey of 4000 women by the Young Women’s Trust found that over half of the women surveyed experience imposter feelings, compared with fewer than half of men. And the setting in which women are most likely to experience imposter syndrome? The workplace.
So far, so unexpected. I’ve worked with women in leadership roles in a whole range of workplaces, and without expectation they tell me they’ve felt imposter syndrome to some degree. And I know that feeling of self doubt and questioning too:
Am I good enough?
What if they realise I don’t know it all?
I don’t deserve this
What if it’s a fluke I’ve got this far?
I need to prove myself.
And this lack of confidence in our abilities can hold us back from career progression and fulfilling work. Hewlett Packard found that women applied for a promotion only when they felt they could meet 100% of the requirements of the job. Whereas men? They were happy to apply if they met 60%.
In other words, men were happy to put themselves forward for roles with more power and financial reward, without holding themselves back based on whether they were absolutely a perfect fit. Women, on the other hand, made sure they were more than capable before applying.
Fix the culture, not the women
Discussion about imposter syndrome isn’t new. And it’s great that it’s being aired. But, so far, much of the conversation has been about how women can fix their internal monologue. Not the societal norms and workplace culture that breeds these feelings in the first place.
So what if you feeling like an imposter isn’t a problem with YOU? What if your feelings are a COMPLETELY NORMAL response to the messages you’re getting from things like:
Gendered clothing and toys from birth (even in the 21st century!)
An expectation that mothers do the heavy-lifting in parenting (not the dads)
A masculine performance and results driven workplace culture
Definitions of ‘professional’ that normalise suited and booted, confident middle-aged men
An imbalance of women in higher level roles?
Not to mention the intersection of race, disability and other factors on how women are treated in the workplace.
Perhaps the answer, rather than training women to master their thoughts and feelings, is to look more deeply at these ingrained societal problems.
***Roars at the general state of things!***
Cultural change takes time, and it’s not something we can fix on our own. Being aware it’s not just about us is an important first step. And being aware of our own internal biases is just as important: as leaders, are we subconsciously making judgements about who’s the best fit for a job? We all do it! And only by bringing it to our awareness can we challenge it - in ourselves, as well as others.
How can you challenge your imposter feelings?
Culture change takes time, what can you do right now to challenge imposter feelings that might be holding you back?
Here are three ways to make sure your imposter feelings don’t stop you having the work life you want:
Acknowledge them
Practice naming your strengths
Enlist a mentor
Let’s work through them in turn:
Acknowledge your feelings
Shame thrives in darkness. I was recently in a workshop where women were invited to share where they had felt imposter syndrome. And the liberation in the (virtual) room as they shared was palpable. It felt like a burden lifted.
You may not have a trusted circle to share your imposter feelings with right now. But, at the very least, you can acknowledge them to yourself. It takes so much energy to try and push these thoughts and feelings down. What if, instead, you came out and said it: actually in the mirror, or wrote it down in a notebook? Acknowledging these feelings doesn’t make them true. It just helps you stop struggling with them. And then it becomes a situation in which you can say to yourself, ‘Yes, I feel like a fraud. And I’m going to do it anyway’.
Practice naming strengths
As well as NOT being conditioned to be leaders, we ARE conditioned, as women, to be humble. To be grateful for scraps of validation from others. Certainly not to back ourselves first.
Google recognised they were losing a lot of talent in women and other underrepresented groups through people holding themselves back, and developed the #IAmRemarkable project. This free initiative educates people on the biases at play regarding confidence and recognition in the workplace, and encourages us to speak up about our strengths.
We all have strengths to bring. We all do things every single day to be proud of - big or small. We just take them for granted.
Say it loud and clear: I am remarkable!
Enlist a mentor
If you’re stacked at work with people making demands of you, and needing you for guidance and validation, where do you turn? A mentor can help you make sense of the chaos, regroup, and decide your best course of action. They can call out your internal BS, and make sure those imposter feelings don’t hold you back.
A mentor is also perfect if you’re at a crossroads, considering a leap into a new role, or perhaps consultancy. As someone who has worked in leadership for years, and made her own leap to coaching and consultancy, I can be that person for you.
A safe space to be you
Imagine having a space each month where you can bring it all. The self doubt, the shitty politics, the overwhelm about what’s next. A place where you can exorcise ghosts and map out the future you want for yourself.
That’s what I’m here for. A place to offload, to strategise and to challenge the thoughts and feelings that hold you back. I offer mentorship packages to leaders, starting at £185 per session. Just message me to discuss what’s right for you.