You’re never going to feel like you belong at work until you do this
How much do you feel like you can be you in your workplace? Or are you putting on an act, being the role you think you need to be? In this blog we’ll explore why all of this matters - both for your career and your mental heath. Let’s dig into what it really means to belong in your workplace.
Broken toy, masked singer, traitor, robot?
In my old workplace, I couldn’t be myself. Looking back, I realise I’d been conditioned not to be. Girls, especially, often get social cues to ‘fit in’, to get on in life by putting other people’s needs first. And, like a good girl, I’d swallowed that message whole.
The thing about trying to be all things to all people, though, or be someone you’re not, is that you pay a price. And you can’t keep it up forever. Here are some of the personas I’ve seen in my 30-odd years of working in large organisations:
Masked singer: this is how many of us enter the workplace. We adopt a persona, and we perform as best we can! Some of us do it successfully, some of us not so much. Ultimately, though, it means we’re not being ourselves. It’s hard work.
Traitor: ah, the politics of the workplace! In ‘The Traitors’ BBC show, some players have to play nice in front of everyone else, while secretly stabbing them in the back at night. It can get you far. But, mostly, the traitors also turn on each other and most don’t survive. It might be ok for a three week TV show, but it’s not a healthy way to live and work long term!
Robot: so many of the masked singers turn into robots. They lose their enthusiasm for performance and just go through the motions - doing what they’re programmed to do. It pays the bills, sure, but it’s no way to live.
Broken toy: think the rejects in Toy Story. By the time I got to the end of my last job, this is how I felt. I was battle weary, missing some metaphorical limbs and didn’t fit. I hadn’t been ‘let go’, but my skills and talents certainly weren’t being put to best use.
How about you? Do you feel like any of these? Or maybe there’s another way you show up at work that’s not entirely you?
What it means to belong at work
Of course, we’re not going to behave at work in exactly the same ways we do at home. When we start a new role, we agree to certain terms and conditions. Some of them are black and white, like the number of hours you’re paid for. Others are workplace and societal norms - whether that’s getting dressed for the office or making sure you’re in meetings on time!
So being you at work doesn’t mean anything goes. But it does mean:
Knowing what your values are
Staying true to them
Sticking up for what you believe
Calling out toxic behaviour
Brene Brown, defines belonging as this:
Being part of something bigger but also having the courage to stand alone, and to belong to yourself above all else.
So, if you either don’t feel like you’re part of something bigger (like me when I was feeling like a broken toy), or you don’t feel like it’s possible to stand alone if needed, you’re not in a state of belonging.
The problem with not belonging
If you aren’t able to be true to yourself, as well as the needs of your employer, it’s exhausting. Over time, you’ll pay the price - whether it’s with your physical and mental health, through stress, or the slow dripping away of any sense of joy or purpose.
I’m not saying this to be alarmist, and I’m certainly not advising you to quit tomorrow without a plan! But if you know, deep down, that you’re not experiencing that sense of belonging, take this as a signal to do something about it.
What can you do if you feel like you don’t belong?
You may be reading this, nodding, and thinking, ‘yes, I’ve fallen into the pattern of going along with things I don’t believe in at work’. They might be policies that take your work in a certain direction. Or they may be ways of getting things done: assumptions everyone will work late, gossipy water cooler moments, or u-turns in decisions with no context or consultation.
If you feel like that, you’ve got three main options:
Carry on as you are. And, don’t get me wrong, this can be a wise tactical short term choice. But do it with your eyes wide open, while you consider points 2 and 3…
Start being true to yourself and speaking out. We might not all have ‘leader’ in our job title, but we can all be leaders in the workplace, simply through how we conduct ourselves. I recommend the BIFF framework for approaching difficult conversations: keep it brief, informative, firm and friendly. In other words, don’t get over emotional, state the facts, don’t let yourself be misdirected or taken down rabbit holes, and keep it civil and respectful.
Look for a better fit. Trying to bloom in an environment that doesn’t suit you is always going to be more of a struggle. Believe me, the difference I feel in my health, happiness, satisfaction and impact at work is 100 times better in my new coaching life compared with my job in the NHS! And change doesn't have to be a drama - see it as building a bridge to somewhere new, not burning the one you’re on right now!
Want to belong?
Do you know where you’ll always be able to belong, just as you are? With me, in a coaching session. Coaching is a safe place for you to say all the vulnerable things AND get real on what you want and need from your future. It’s not just digging into the emotional stuff, it’s rolling your sleeves up and making a plan of action.
Take it from someone who’s been there - life’s too short to just get by in a place you don’t belong. Change is possible, whether you stay or go. Take the first step today and book a FREE call with me.